Confusion. Drastic decisions that later only change into an opposite drastic decision. What is this life of choices and decisions? Full of passion and desire, yet complication and obstacles and exhaustion in getting there. To make you want it more? Divine signs for turning around and going another way? Our human minds can only comprehend so much so we give it to God and let it rest, trusting that He will redirect us, asking Him to redirect us, if such decisions are only meant for destruction. So we thrust forward, wondering if this path we are choosing is the right one for us, or if we will in fact be redirected. But what does redirection look like? Is it hardships and trials that are meant to be endured? Or are the hardships in fact those aforementioned divine signs that are stopping us, pushing us, redirecting us? We ask for signs - are these signs? Or would these hardships be perceived as "normal" outside of a decision that didn't carry so much weight? I open my Bible hoping that it will be etched in the pages, spelled out for my thick-headed humanness. I'm still waiting. I'm open, constantly looking for signs in the everything. Will it appear? Or do we push forward and trust that we will be protected from our human folly and error? Is there a wrong or right in these particular decisions or just a different? There is no moral weight - it is an amoral situation. Am I overspiritualizing this? I don't think I am. I believe that God speaks in the tiniest details of our life. But is a lack of heavenly spokenness mean I'm not listening? Or that it doesn't matter which way I choose because either is fine, it's just a matter of preference? What does the silence mean? Woven within us are threads of desires that are a part of who we were created to be. But then we also have selfish humanly desires that we are to fight against so as not to succumb to them. But how do you know which is which? Some situations are obvious - others are less clear. Are my justifications self-made to rectify my actions in a particular direction? Or am I acting in line with my heavenly design? Will I ever know? Or am I destined for ongoing torment? I long to embrace this life, fully embrace the circumstances, situations, while fully embracing and cherishing the ones in it. How do I get there? Is it a mental giving up? A spiritual giving up? Do I need to care for my soul more? Is it something I can control physically with meditation, supplements and oils? Is it giving up control? Is it a little bit of everything? How can I fully embrace this life while improving upon it and exiting the turmoil I've been living in?
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My intention is to provoke thought, not to necessarily find resolution.